Boundaries, Let's Talk Respect

We have been dancing around let's take control and ownership of this new venture we call Well Being and a future. It does sound cool, doesn't it? We know what we want, sort of how to make it happen; it's finding out where the army men are supposed to go.

My life was a continuous repitition of keeping others happy and in a comfortable space since I can remember. I never acknowledged to myself my mom used me like a personal butler, or that my life was totally her little monopoly board. In my matric year when I turned 18 first and most importantly was getting my license to get my wheels. FREEDOM. Suddenly everyone wanted me to be taxi. Initially I thought wow everyone likes me now after school and all grown up and free and all that - bullshit. They did not have the well prepared and very sweetheart parents I had that did budget for a car for me for university. Let's read that again - a car for ME.

I did not really grasp the wear and tear costs; it was a foreign subject until I came head-to-head with a subject I did understand. Petrol - that little Volkswagen did not run-on tap water, and I was employed since I was 16, whilst my other friends were enjoying leisurely weekends and Vaca's, I was working 12 hour shifts at the video store. (Yes, I was employed at Video Den). Now petrol put in by me to do my own road trips went into driving friends up and down from Technikon where I was not a student. It became pricey. I studied straight across town at another institution alone.

I was pretty much gaslighting myself, when the one day my best friend made the epic blunder of criticizing my driving. Just the final nudge I needed to know I am really being used and I am condoning it at my own cost. With cost here we can agree suddenly the money felt like the least of my losses. This was my first harsh face to face encounter with boundaries, taking into the equation my mother sitting at the other end really bitching they did not buy a car for me to drive up and into the ground after friends. Friends who only know me when they need wheels.

No matter how they could have tried to have this conversation any different than their agitation and negativity would not have made me listen and summarily stop my behavior. They were not sending the message wrong; I made excuses and did not want to admit out loud what I knew in my heart. When I say no, they will just find someone else and I will be on the sideline again. Mind you I was never in the Circle unless I was needed to fulfill some tasks or need.

That day I did not set my boundary due to my car, time, petrol or anything else than my person

was disrespected. My driving skills was attacked, whilst I do not see anyone standing que to do what I am doing. Thank fuck she did actually have the nerve to criticize my code 08 driving, that direct personal negativity towards me did the trick I so desperately did need to break the cycle.

Why am I telling you this little nugget from my early years becoming self-sufficient and flying out under the deciding wings of my parents? I was 18 then going on 19 - I finally broke the cycle at 37 only, including a parent that did not respect me as my own separate person and well a career woman and mother as well. Irony those same thoughts I had, kept staying the same the faces and people just changed. Instead of facing the lesson and admitting to being used, I kept on finding those other secondary reasons to put my foot down and set my boundaries. That is once again delaying the inevitable truth.

I missed the most important thing my dad had shown me always, Respect. He did not expect nor just waltzed into my house because he is the owner on paper. He asked, he could wait and he did say thank you always. Yet my mother made it very clear I am hers to order around at her every whim. I did not until she humiliated me with a comment about her right in front of my fiancé. It dawned on me she had absolutely no respect for me as a person - a grown up woman with two kids and her own life. After this I started to do some introspection and truth talks. From then and still actively I am researching and setting boundaries that are needed for a healthy life, although new to me - been there all along to choose.

.