Happiness Decoded

Nobody was put on this earth to go through a lifetime of struggle and unhappiness.

We are according to me making hell for ourselves here on earth with the choices we make, and the way we decide to handle our discomfort as well as the not so bright choices we tend to make.

I was never too happy like all a ray of sunshine, yet I was never like so depressed I felt depressed. Somehow I had this middle layer I found in life. Shit was what happened and I had to make decisions on how I was going to handle it. Good things were also nice when it did happen, and I enjoyed that moment thoroughly.

My problems usually did consist of how to minimize the damage or totally make it just not visible for me to later make it go away totally. It was normally a degree sort of situation, and what degree I am in shit with this sudden gem of a problem that popped up. This sort of lifestyle occurs when you have one parent ruling your life that has certain expectations and other things that are definite no – nos’

This is early in my life where I decided to be grateful rather than go nit-pick. Yes it was a decision I made, that I will be grateful for getting a house from my parents even if that does mean I have to adhere to certain other rules or regulations my mother may have, For a time I did move out, I got married – I got divorced and lived with a friend and I got one room and shared a bathroom and did not feel at home at all, I felt like a visitor. That was precisely what I was.

I moved back willingly into one of their houses, well my old unit, and I could run my business and have an office and do what I pleased. As long as I kept it under wraps if I maybe dated someone she did not like, or yeah do like real other stuff that any parent will frown upon. I was still grateful for my life and my chances I got at getting a degree, having the option to be able to start my own business. It is a give and take situation, and what my mom did was to me acceptable. Read that again, it was to me acceptable. I did my stock take of life and how I was happy. Yes I was happy.

You would now find a few mistakes in what I had just stated there, and ask me how could you be happy?

I chose to be Happy. I chose to be happy there in that certain set of circumstances. I had a mindset of gratitude and acceptance.

I got married and moved in with my husband – and I was not happy. We were not happy, and now I had like my own house and more drama, and I knew he did not love me, or really ever liked the house no matter how nice I made it or whatever I did it just never felt like home. Now I had no life whatsoever. My mindset was just not there, I was not grateful – let me tell you that. I was not grateful for the marriage I had, because it was not a marriage.

I was not grateful for the life I had, everyone was in my business constantly criticising how I did everything. Especially how I chose to raise my children and lead my life with them. Then he hit me and we moved back into my house. I was grateful my dad took us out of that house and away from him.

From here on, life took some unexpected turns with me, I kept afloat. When my dad died, I was ready for that, because we spoke about his death and his impending life of being a patient locked in a room to a bed. He could not go on with a life which he was not happy with clearly. He said to me he had a full life, and he is proud of me and everything he accomplished in his life time. He cannot add anything more, and he also cannot drive his car again or be free to choose his day or lead a life. Have a life to him was synonyms with moveability. That was his end of his life and becoming an invalid and being needy, especially if my mom was in control of everything; that was just not in the cards for him. He was going to be at no ones mercy to wipe his ass.

So he died a few days after that, and what happened there was also not on. I chose to remember him as he was, and deleted all the pictures where he was this frail old man, he was never that frail old man. It was but a little part of a whole lifetime. I chose to look after his assets and the complex and my mother with a degree of care and love, that I chose. Not because of him or I owed him or anything else than I chose to respect what he had left behind as if it were mine. Nothing of his assets or anything was mine, it was all my mothers like per the will that I set up. I was happy with my work, and kids, life and everything although he was gone. He had prepared me to be a fully functional woman and be in control of what need be done.

Then the proverbial shit hit the fan because he was dead. My ex- husband went after me in court to take my children, with the assistance of my mother. My mother tried to kill me, with poison, and with a hired plan. I walked out alive – grateful. I went to rehab to regroup and rest and regroup what is going on in my life. Once again not wavered in happy or not. I lost my kids in that whole cluster fuck, and it was okay. Everything was okay, and I was grateful for the time we had, and knew it was getting too much for me too handle. I knew stepping back and letting go would be okay. I lost my house, I lost my kids, and I lost the business I had, with the work I was doing keeping her assets running smooth.

During all of this I was not once hateful, or unhappy, I was flabbergasted to say the least – who would not be. I was grateful throughout. I never once wished my dad back, because I was too ashamed what his wife had become. I knew my truth and I was grateful I never once had let go of my integrity. I did not even stand up to refute any of the ridiculous claims against me. I was grateful I was alive and out. I was grateful that woman that was supposed to kill me had a logic and brain of her own to think. I was grateful the truth does not lie, or change or need be remembered. The truth is soft and the truth is kind. I was even grateful for the life I did have and if this was my end, I am not scared or not ready for it how much it will hurt physically.

Yeah people I was one big ball of gratefulness. My mindset was ready to die, happy what I brought to this life was with good intentions and to do good. I was proud of the person and mother I became. I was proud of the time and energy I put into both my parents choosing to do what I did, not nagging, not being mad at especially my mom and that laptop. That laptop I gave her as a show of love and thank you. I did a once over and I was ready then to pack up and go where we go after being here.

Well then life was not done with me, and where do you go after that detour of them? A small town in another Province with a person you met in rehab. Being thankful they did hammer on sending you to rehab when you did not have an alcohol problem, which they knew. Grateful for the chance to meet other people and be around other people. I was grateful just for people again, even if it was those that society like to judge as the broken ones and look down upon.

As I sit here and I type this, I am grateful and yes I am happy, and I have always been. I did grow up with a mom that I later got to understand did not like me very much and no I did not get a lot of love and comfort. I am grateful she did what she did for me, it was enough for me, funny how it is enough if you do not know any better. I now know better and am still grateful, she was not really ever into what I did or became. Her loss though.

My kids also decided that I was not bang on for a mother, and have been trying to replace me since 2017 with a better mom, and their father since 2014 with a better wife. Well I do not have to wonder how that is working out for them. It is an ongoing process.

As for me, I am happy every single day, come hell or high water -